Suburb of Heaven

When I'm anxious, which is pretty common (bah), I frequently have the same type of dream. I'm in an airport trying to get to my gate. But I have to use the bathroom but if I do I'll miss my flight. Or I'm trying to run but instead I just keep walking leisurely. Or they have changed the gate to the other side of the airport.

This morning I woke up after the appearance of my second most common anxiety dream, which started showing up a few years ago. I'm trying to pack, to leave a room empty, or to fit everything I need into my suitcase, but there's always more stuff, or I bought too much and have to leave some behind, or my suitcase won't hold everything even though it should.

I've just gotten back in contact with my dad after many years, mostly because my sister had a baby and we figured that no matter what kind of giant dick he was, he should know. We started trying to contact him before my niece was born and a few weeks ago, (a month before my niece turns one) we finally succeeded. We exchanged a few messages and I'm not sure what happens now. He will possibly just disappear again. He lives on the other side of the planet and had dropped off the face of the earth even with his own family. We finally connected over WhatsApp for a few short messages, so of course I had a long dream about trying to empty a room with my mom and sister while he ignored us and showed his wife and kid where the horses were that they could ride, and where the canoes were for boating.

My subconscious is not particularly subtle. I woke up feeling like something that lives under a rock, and had to wander around doing my morning routine with My Brother, My Brother, and Me playing in my pocket to start feeling normal again after a while. Emotional hangovers are the worst.

I think I'm allowed to check a bag for free on my trip. It's difficult to tell, though - or maybe I just automatically distrust what the airline is telling me (one free bag!) because I'm certain there's a line of small print somewhere that explicitly sets out conditions that will make me pay eleventy gajillion dollars when I check in. On the other hand, they did send me a chirpy email telling me that I have only a few more sleeps until rest and relaxation! How nice of them to think of me and remind me that I should charge up my phone and remember to bring my earbuds.

I'm still quite excited about the trip but as things get closer I've also had a bunch of things to solve that have taken up a big chunk of mental real estate and have made me really, really wrung out. I'm packed, at least, although I'm convinced that I've packed useless things that aren't really outfits and will leave behind something vitally important. At least it all fits in a shoulder-carry bag. I thought about taking a larger wheely suitcase but figure trying to heave it over bridges in Venice and cobblestones everywhere else probably doesn't make sense.

I also had that lowering thought that probably comes to most people excited about a little travel: the imp in your head that says, "why bother, you're just coming back to the same old grind, it's not like anything will be different. You'll just have spent a bunch of money to generate a big circle, net zero." I am doing my best to ignore that voice, because while technically speaking, it's accurate, it's also the farthest thing from the truth. If nothing else, this trip will give me some quality time with my sister and also some quality time alone with my own thoughts. I really need that at the moment.

Maybe being so tired now will mean I'll actually sleep well on the airplane. That would be a first.

In more local news, I went apple picking with Bemo and the members of my book club, and loved it more than I anticipated. The trees were bursting with fruit and it all tasted so good and I made a big apple crisp that was fantastic. There's something satisfying, maybe on a primitive level, about just walking around with a crisp tart apple you've just picked, enjoying the sunshine and watching the monarchs flutter around.

In more fannish news, it's the season for secret santas and holiday fic exchanges. I can't decide if I want to sign up for them - I haven't written anything in a really long time and don't know if I have any story bopping around in my head at the moment. I really should decide before I go because I think signup deadlines are looming.

Planning for the Italy trip has been fun - there have been a lot of changes since I was last there so things like pre-purchasing some of our museum tickets and train tickets ahead of time has been a new deal. Wonder of wonders, the website for buying train tickets is very easy to navigate. The whole "nicer faster trains which require reserved seats" is not something I needed to do. Of course, the first time I had to buy a train ticket in Italy I ended up buying three of them (unsure that I was buying the right one) and ended up on a super-slow milk run train that was a great introduction to the Umbrian countryside but which was not so good for meeting my contact for the study abroad program in a timely fashion. He ended up picking me up a train station or two ahead of my destination and thus I got my first intro to the Italian driver.

It's also letting me stretch my expenses over multiple months, which is pretty great. By the time we get there the only costs I'll have to incur are food and some incidentals, which can still add up, but at least they're slightly more controllable.

I'm so wound up about this trip that I'm going to have to do some work to avoid mentally crashing after it, I think.

The husband has gotten into Zentangles recently - or rather, he prefers the mandala shapes over the freeform ones that you're supposed to lay down yourself. This has led us both into the world of the adult coloring book, which was something that I always vaguely knew was soothing but had never really thought about until it became a bit of a trendy thing. Relatives in Manila, my sister, a billion people on Pinterest - and after my Amazon order arrives, me too.

In ladyparts TMI news (avert if squeamish, although I won't get graphic), I've just made my first foray into the world of the Diva Cup. So far so good, although there were some interesting shenanigans the first time I tried to fold it up correctly and put it in. As in, boinging across the bathroom and bouncing comically. This is the second day I'm using it and so far so good, although the whole business of eventually being able to do it in a public restroom has me a little dubious.

Have just frosted a chocolate cake that I stress baked this evening. It's not bad - the cake is a bit undersweet and the frosting is a bit oversweet so they work ok together, I guess? I'm stress baking because I'm trying to get stuff done at work that's been left undone for too long, and when I do that I start tail-spinning into an anxious fret. So, distraction via melting chocolate in a makeshift double-boiler.

The lady problems mentioned in my last post, btw, went away with a short course of pills, so for the moment things are kinda back to normal. I'm still wary, and occasionally stare at my midsection with a suspicious expression. But otherwise, hurrah.

In other news, it's weird to be experiencing 63-degree weather in the Midwest in late January while there are epic snow events elsewhere. Hope everyone in that corner of the US stays warm and safe and snuggly with pets and significant others and lots of mugs of hot chocolate. Over here, my boss is contemplating getting her Vespa out of winter storage for the week, cold mornings notwithstanding.

Gone Girl was an interesting movie. I had read the book for a book club, and remember tearing through it but being disappointed at the ending - I think I was expecting a more genre-like ending and one that was less "welp, everybody here sure is fucked." (Others in the book club disliked it as well, not sure if it was for the same reasons.) The movie was interesting and beautiful, but I think Nick was left off the hook towards the end, although there are nods towards the fact that in many ways, he was every bit as invested in the weird sham that the Nick-Amy marriage was and that Amy's (vastly operatic, over-the-top) revenge is in certain senses very understandable. I think the book had more room to do certain things, but on the whole the movie is a great adaptation and while I'm not sure I entirely agree, I understand how some reviewers are regarding it as the better version of the story.

As to life in general, well...things have been a bit rocky, although they've settled down a bit now. My husband just spent some time in the hospital, and we're in the aftermath of figuring out how things proceed from here. I've been continuing to not show up for my martial arts classes, out of a combination of exhaustion and niggling anxiety about life in general. I will try to go back this week.

Have just reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and Jennifer Crusie's What A Girl Wants. Work is ok; we continue to adjust to the new director and he, I suppose, to us. Tickets have been purchased for our Christmas trip back to the East Coast; I am hoping my usual catsitter decides not to do hers, otherwise I will need to make new arrangements for the furballs.

I'm mentally rather worn out, but things are getting better.

Haven't had much to say, and since I'm a little vergy-on-depression-ish it's always easier to passively surf Tumblr than it is to think of anything to say. It's nothing terrible, just my standard bugbears about worth and work and certain other more personal issues - you know, all that jazz. Other things have been going well - I'm gearing up for my next belt test in aikido, today was a glorious weather day that allowed us to open up all the windows and go outside and site in the sun, and our tickets are purchased for my sister's May wedding.

Anyway. Watching Hannibal, the most grotesque show with the most cheerful fandom going. About to read the new Donna Tartt, I think. Or reread Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I'm apparently in the mood for a big book, which is funny since I've been reading all my John D. Macdonald pre-Travis McGees, which are much pulpier but still quite quick and fun. I've been listening to a lot of good podcasts. I need to buy a good pair of sandals and get a cute pedicure. This nice weather makes my heart lift, even if my brain is still grinding a few more winter gears.

Making bibinka (a semi-sweet rice-flour-based Filipino cake that's coconutty and has a sort of spongy, puddingy texture) and buckeyes. The buckeyes are supposed to be rolled in cocoa nibs, but I couldn't get any, so they will not be peanut butter hedgehogs but rather plain old yummy buckeyes.

In other news, my usual winter plague of papercuts due to dry skin continues. Arrgh.

I really have fallen away from updating, mostly because of general tiredness and the sensation that I don't really have much to say. Life is busy, and there is sadness currently in the form of an elderly kitty starting to suffer from the sort of health issues that plague senior kitties. Gracie is still up and at 'em, but she's now blind and we're having to medicate her in various ways. This has made my husband, who is already stressed about going back to school in a few weeks, very sad, because Gracie found him outside the KFC and demanded to be taken some place better because she was sick of dumpster diving, thank you very much. She's been in our lives for thirteen years and a lot of changes, and it's hard to contemplate the idea that we're running up against the end of our time with her.

Also, there's the usual OMG no money, OMG job stress, OMG Tumblr just streams pictures past my face effortlessly and I can passively imbibe. Bleah.

Life will be busy for the forseeable future, but I will try to keep things ticking along here.

My sister and her boyfriend flew out to visit over the holiday weekend, and we did many things. Here, let me bullet point them because I'm slightly drunk on vodka and Italian blood orange soda.

-Went to a little nearby town that puts on a killer fireworks show. There were about two hours of warmup by every nearby citizen who was letting off their own arsenal of fireworks before the main event began

-Went tubing and drifted along and got scraped up by the river bottom and floated and ate tortilla chips. My husband got massively sunburned because he didn't apply sunblock often enough. I kicked a fish.

-Baked a slightly demanding Japanese cheese cake that was supposed to be light and fluffy and involved two double boilers and turned out to be delicious...and almost exactly like ordinary cheesecake.

-Baked three loaves of pretzel bread and they were delicious, especially with good cheese and some mustard butter. (I didn't eat the mustard, but everybody else did.)

-Ate out a LOT. A lot a lot.

-Went to see a miniature horse show and also a western cutting show. I had been used to seeing miniature horses that were kind of small, blobby little pony things, but these guys looked like you put a regular sized horse in a shrink ray. We didn't get to see the driving or jump portion of the show, though. And the cutting was interesting, but there was a lot of concentrated cow pee in the air so we didn't stay long.

-Sat around in one of the several good local coffee shops and watched videos of people making tiny replica food out of candy.

I love hanging out with my sister. I miss her terribly, even though we talk on gchat pretty much every day. I wish we lived closer, and fantasize about some sort of farm/compound where we could keep animals and bees and bake a lot and make crazy dinners, but I don't know how that would happen. Her dude is a pretty nice guy as well. I think of two other sisters I know who fantasize about running a pizza farm - a place where they and their families would both live, and they'd grow all the raw ingredients to go into great pizzas and have people come and watch movies on the side of a barn on Friday nights, and I totally get that impulse. I want to plant a garden and keep goats and chickens and have people over to look at the stars late at night. Maybe some music.

This place is great in so many ways, but I hate being away from many of the people I care about. Although we're all scattered, now, friends and family both. We both grew up in a family that did a lot of lip service regarding the family sticking together, but it was really my grandparents holding it all together. None of us really talk much to our vast numbers of cousins and aunts and uncles. I know I'd feel stifled if they were on top of me. Sometimes I want a house full of happy people eating and laughing, sometimes I want a monastery full of nothing but warm stone and comfortable silences.

I think the vodka is making me mopey. It was a good few days. I have funny tan lines, including racoon eyes from my sunglasses and sandal tan.

I am stressed out like whoa from work. It's the longest stretch of stress where I have not (to this moment) broken down into some sort of ugly crying fit once I got home - I'm not sure if I'm proud that I'm managing, or feeling like I should just have one to release the pressure.

Essentially, I'm going through a really big learning process, and I hate the fact that I'm dragging some people along with me and making their lives difficult. Things are getting done, but not elegantly. And the big boss is in full-tilt ADHD mode, where he is unavailable for long stretches of time in the planning stages and then spins into your own carefully laid plans like a whirlwind and disrupts everything so you don't know if you're coming or going or if you have ever made a right choice in your miserable life.

I have a lot of dominoes lined up for tomorrow morning, and I'm worried that they will not fall properly because of my mistakes. I hope very hard that all goes the way I want it to.