anxiety dreams

[sienamystic]

When I'm anxious, which is pretty common (bah), I frequently have the same type of dream. I'm in an airport trying to get to my gate. But I have to use the bathroom but if I do I'll miss my flight. Or I'm trying to run but instead I just keep walking leisurely. Or they have changed the gate to the other side of the airport.

This morning I woke up after the appearance of my second most common anxiety dream, which started showing up a few years ago. I'm trying to pack, to leave a room empty, or to fit everything I need into my suitcase, but there's always more stuff, or I bought too much and have to leave some behind, or my suitcase won't hold everything even though it should.

I've just gotten back in contact with my dad after many years, mostly because my sister had a baby and we figured that no matter what kind of giant dick he was, he should know. We started trying to contact him before my niece was born and a few weeks ago, (a month before my niece turns one) we finally succeeded. We exchanged a few messages and I'm not sure what happens now. He will possibly just disappear again. He lives on the other side of the planet and had dropped off the face of the earth even with his own family. We finally connected over WhatsApp for a few short messages, so of course I had a long dream about trying to empty a room with my mom and sister while he ignored us and showed his wife and kid where the horses were that they could ride, and where the canoes were for boating.

My subconscious is not particularly subtle. I woke up feeling like something that lives under a rock, and had to wander around doing my morning routine with My Brother, My Brother, and Me playing in my pocket to start feeling normal again after a while. Emotional hangovers are the worst.

Comments

[alphaflyer]

I once described a dream I kept having, where I had to make a train or plane and my luggage was all over the city and I was running around to try and get it together without the plane. The person I told it to was a psychologist, and she told me that in dreams like that the baggage is always your family. So, yeah.

My father/chromosome donor never bothered to meet me at all, didn't respond to the one letter I sent him at age 18, and is now dead. I had one sob fest once about feeling unwanted, but eventually I came to the conclusion that the whole thing was too bad for him; he missed out on meeting ME.

*hugs*

[sienamystic]

Oh god, baggage in dreams equaling family makes so much horrible sense. Wow, brains.

I was super close to my dad until things in the family started falling apart for the final time when I was about 17. It adds a bit of complexity to things because I have memories of a good relationship with him and have to deal with the jerk he is today, and my sister has never really had much of a relationship with him and the whole business makes her angry in so many ways.

It's true, your biodad was only hurting himself by never meeting you. I'm glad you've mostly worked it out and come to the right conclusion. Hugs to you too, and blargh on all absentee fathers and their stunted sense of emotional responsibility.

[alphaflyer]

Does, doesn't it? My dreams were in the context of packing up everything, leaving one life behind and moving to the other side of the planet for a new one.

And yes to the blargh! I once saw a movie about the daughter of a Vietnam vet, born after he fell, going to trace her father's name on the DC memorial (one of the most stunningly conceived pieces of public art ever). I ended up sobbing for an hour, and finally realized it was because being dead, he at least had a reason for not ever meeting her. That was a cathartic moment, and the last time I spent any emotional capital on my "father".