"I haven't gotten used to that"

[sienamystic]

Title: Instincts
Rating: R for some relatively mild erotic stuff
Pairing: Constantine/Angela
Description: The flip side of "Things Known and Unknown." Angela muses on the odd shape her life has taken.
Author's note: Comments and criticisms always appreciated.



Last night, I dreamed about John for the sixth night in a row. I suppose I should find this disconcerting, but given our recent past history, I know it was only to be expected. Once a door has been opened, you have to expect that certain things will walk in, and John was both the man with the set of lockpicks and the one most likely to ignore the “No Trespassing” sign.

Each dream starts out the same way. I’m looking up at John’s face through water, and it wavers and dances as I blink. His hand is on my chest, and it hurts. I’m starting to panic, thrashing in the water, but he doesn’t let me up and I can’t help it. I inhale. Instead of water flooding into my lungs, I choke on hot air, stale and full of sulfur. Something inside me cracks open.

From then on, each dream takes me somewhere else.

Once, I found myself walking down a street in a city I didn’t recognize. I have what I think is my LAPD badge pinned to my shirt, but when I look down at it I realize it’s an Old West star that has the words “Sheriff Angela” printed on it. John walks next to me, smoking a cigarette, and I turn to say something to him and see a man running towards us. I raise a gun and shoot him in the face. John and I watch the shreds of skull and brain fly into the air, like a rose blooming. “Well,” says my dream-John. “I see you’ve gone insane. That will make things easier.”

Another night, I find myself in his apartment, just as it looks in real life. It’s full of a thin haze, maybe from cigarettes which he allegedly no longer smokes. I’m stretched out on his bed, and he’s got my hands pinned above my head and although I’m looking at his face, I can’t tell if he’s scowling or smiling. My legs are wrapped around those slender hips of his, and as he pushes into me, I know that there’s somebody in the room watching us.

When I wake up from that dream, I discover that my hand is tucked into my panties, and my nipples are so hard that they hurt where they press against my t-shirt.

I’m not sure what all this means, if anything. Well, no – the dreams should mean something, now that I’ve…had my eyes opened. Shouldn’t they? Isn’t that the point? Although if they’re prophetic dreams, I’m apparently destined to become a mass murderer, in between sprees of angry sex. Somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly how God’s plan for me is supposed to go, although from my new vantage point, I’ve discovered that a whole bunch of things I never thought possible might indeed be in God’s plan.

John hates it whenever I use the phrase “God’s plan.”

I’m hidden the Spear somewhere I think is safe. At first, I balked when John handed it to me, encased in a brick of salt and wrapped in brown paper that has words written on it in an alphabet I’ve never seen before. They slide sideways when I try to look at them. I haven’t gotten used to that yet.

“Use your instincts,” he said, when I protested that I didn’t know a safe place for it. He watched me reach for it, and I take it from his hands, noticing how strong they are, how deft. Before John, I never noticed a man’s hands before. So much of my life is starting to shake down into Before John and After John. I haven’t really gotten used to that, either.

My instincts have led me across the country, to a city I hardly know, to a hotel room where all I do is dream of John Constantine in every imaginable situation. Some instincts.

I wonder if I’ll see him again. I wonder what I’ll say.

Time to go home and find out.

Comments

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

I was with you up until the paragraph about his hands, at which point John Constantine suddenly morphed into Sir John Smythe. But that is probably just me. :)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

*snerk* Might have been my subconscious at work, morphing two similar wiseass "shady side of the law" types together. I was pondering something about his hands because of the now-iconic "flipping Lucifer the bird" thing, but maybe I didn't capture it well *g*

[marmaladecat]

I really enjoyed that - well written and in character, I could hear Angela's voice narrating it in places. The line: “Well,” says my dream-John. “I see you’ve gone insane. That will make things easier.” gave me a very clear mental image, and I could just see Constantine taking the cigarette out of his mouth briefly to say it to her.

Nice idea for the writing on the spear too. :)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kudos - I'm still feeling my way around this stuff, so it's good to know I'm hitting some correct notes.

[tenebraeli.livejournal.com]

Although if they’re prophetic dreams, I’m apparently destined to become a mass murderer, in between sprees of angry sex.

Well at least she's picked a good partner for the sprees-of-angry-sex part... *g*

I love this whole thing, you have a great perspective, and a knack for a funny line. Which is more difficult than most might think.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Heh, very true.

Thanks so much for the compliments - I'm sitting here purring right now. It means a lot to have your stuff well-received.

[thebratqueene.livejournal.com]

This was really awesome and you had Angela's voice down pat. Great job.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Much appreciated.

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

I was very happy to see this pop up! You've got a very strong Angela voice in there, I think, with nice flavours of her conflicts... no, not really conflicts, but all the things that intersect in her. The mundane and the magical, the realistic and the faithful.

I didn't like this as much as I did "Things Known". I'm not entirely sure why. It's not quite as... streamlined? Focussed? But that actually makes sense, because this is her.

I certainly did enjoy it, though. The first paragraph was fabulous; John as the one most likely. And I love the sentence: Something inside me cracks open. It's just so simple and visceral and jagged. (And, of course, guh, hot, you know where. *G*) I also love the stuff about the Spear. That sort of extra detail really makes me delight.

Is there a third piece? A meeting, a conclusion? (she asks hopefully)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

I'm not as happy with it as I was with "Things Known" either - that story sort of popped out of me, John's voice and all. I struggled with this more, and you're exactly right - it's not as tight. Although I like certain bits of it, I'm not entirely pleased with how it hangs together. In the end, I said "What the fuck" and threw it out there as a short little take on how Angela's thoughts might be like.

I want to provide a resolution, but no guarantees *g* I hate all that malarky about "waiting for my muse to beat me with the inspiration stick," but I want to do it as well as I can, so I refuse to promise anything!

[elys84.livejournal.com]

Been meaning to review this for a while now, but you know, Darth Real Life and all, and I wanted to do it justice.

Once a door has been opened, you have to expect that certain things will walk in, and John was both the man with the set of lockpicks and the one most likely to ignore the “No Trespassing” sign.
That is awesome. I love that description of him. It's so true!

I also like how surreal, and yet effective, you've made the dream. Because dreams are like that - I especially liked her badge.

Nice effective use of parallelism with the "getting used to" statements. Sorry, it's probably not grammatical praise you're looking for, but I tend to notice these things :)

That was great! More? ;)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Thank you thank you! I think the first paragraph is my favorite as well.

And thanks for noticing the badge...I was sort of tickled by the whole thing, especially since I'm coming off a reread of the novelization, and I wanted to work in her feelings about this new power she seems to have, and the fact that she's a cop.

[calicedesang.livejournal.com]

'twas lovely! I would've liked to see some NC-17 content;-).

Sienafic Index

[pingback-bot.livejournal.com]

User sienamystic referenced to your post from Sienafic Index (http://sienamystic.livejournal.com/265398.html) saying: [...] Movieverse Things Known and Unknown (John, Angela, the beginning stirrings of John/Angela) I Haven't Gotten Used to That (http://sienamystic.livejournal.com/32362.html)(Angela, sort-of sequel to the above) 50 themes, 1 sentence (John Constantine) Untitled Angela drabble (Angela) ... [...]

[siremaik.livejournal.com]

Very well written! You should write more Constantine fic. :)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it! I have a whopping total of four Constantine fics, which are listed on my fic index - I'm a reeeeeallly unprolific fic writer, as you can see. I've had a little whisper in the back of my head about writing more, recently, so I live in hope that a story or two will float into my brain.