There is the good,and there is the bad, and there is potroast and some whining

apis_mellifera just sent me a giant box of books and I have put them on the floor and rolled around in them and made little noises! And now I will make her jewelry and magnets in order to show her my great love!

Had a sucktastic workout today where my knee was hurting and I ended up not doing my sets of lunges (front lunges and side lunges both - it was supposed to be lunge day.) I have my meetup with my trainer on Wednesday and will ask him if there's a different exercise I can do, because I'm a little worried that I'm I'm not doing them correctly, or that they're just something I shouldn't be doing. Of course, I'm feeling guilty that I signed a contract with a trainer that I can't get out of now that we are running on fumes. I'm just glad I didn't get sucked into a twice a month contract - anything more than that was obviously out of my range but twice a month was just close enough that I sort of thought about it for a minute. Anyway, since I've got him, I might as well use him, even if he is the World's Calmest Personal Trainer and laid back to the point of coma.

Oh, and I'm not sure why (hormones? depression? phase of the moon? price of tea in China?) but I am feeling so sabotage-inclined right now. I had to stop and count to ten before I could put down a packet of Oreos that were positioned on an endcap I walked past in the grocery store. I did it, but I definitely had a moment right there. But I was able to get out with no cookies but with some crockpot potroast fixings, so lunch tomorrow is looking up.

Oh, and Bemo and I both applied to Petsmart. I worked there once, and getting the discount on the cat food was a nice thing, so we both decided to throw our hat in the ring. Since the time I worked there, they've changed their application system and now make you go through a centralized online form. It was pretty standard, and then somewhere in the middle it turns into the eternal Meyers-Briggs test, where you have to prove you're an ESFP and not a IJMB or what the hell ever, just to sell people some goddamn birdseed. You end up scrolling through page after page, ranking how strongly you agree with statements like, "If I see a mistake, I am inclined to correct it" and "If I feel a little poorly, I call in sick to work." Good grief. But honestly, I don't care how many pages of psyc evaluations they make you take, Bemo just needs a job. This whole thing has been so stressful and it's been that way for so long now. I had to go back to some old LiveJournal and Diaryland entries to try and pinpoint when I lived where, and what years I actually worked for Petsmart, and there were so many entries when I was stressed about Bemo's employment situation. All he wants to do is work. He got dealt a crap hand for most of his life, with mental illness, an abusive father, and an early start with drugs and booze, and he pulled himself out of it. He got his shit straight. He got through school. All he wants is some quiet little job, and yet this seems to be impossible. He told me the other day that it's leaching into everything - he's got no confidence left.

This was going to be a lighthearted entry, and it's turned into the same thing I was rereading from my Diaryland journal, from maybe 2003. I am trying to live in hope. But it's hard.