salva nos

I am in a bad headspace because of bad circumstances. The bright spring weather, unseasonably warm, seems to actually be part of the reason I haven't actually had a fit of utter bleakness - either that, or I'm just a little numb right now - but neither my heart nor my head is happy. I'm feeling a bit abandoned by everything - fate, the universe, God - as if I were the first person to look up at the heavens and cry out, "But it's not fair! You were supposed to be on our side!"

I'm so tired of it all. Tired of being part of this constant story of loss and loser-dom and endless bad news. Tired of always knowing that behind every small happiness, a bigger sadness is waiting, ready to pounce the second you start feeling safe.

I don't want to talk about it. Except of course, I do - I want to tell people how unfair the whole thing's been, how we have been screwed over by life and how many stories about it do you want to hear? I have quite a few of them. But no, really, I have no words right now. The idea of even saying anything meaningful is exhausting right now, because it's the same thing. It's always the same thing.

I'm sputtering along by putting a smile on my face and making meaningless conversation.

Attempt at distraction, take one

So. In an attempt to pull myself out of the stupid pity-me headspace I described previously, I will get excited about this scheduling note from PBS and Mystery:

May 10, 17, 31, 2009
Wallander
Kenneth Branagh stars as complex detective Kurt Wallander, fighting crime and his own demons. Based on the books by best-selling Swedish author Henning Mankell, Wallander was filmed in rarely seen locations in southern Sweden.

Yay! I've read a few of the books, and also watched the movies when they aired on that strange channel - Mhz? - that showed them and also the Inspector Montalbano books (also fantastic, and the books are super). My recollection of them is that they're very bleak and harsh and evocatively lit, so I wonder if they'll take the same tack with the Branagh version or if they'll lighten them a trifle. Of course, my memory could be exaggerating.

This sent me off on a search for Inspector Montalbano DVDs, which Mhz sells...for lots of money. And Netflix doesn't stock them, apparently. Boo, hiss.