The face in the photo (musings on weight and self image)

[sienamystic]

A while back, I discovered the Photo Booth application on my work computer. (I have a PC at home, Mac at work, so I'm not always knowledgeable about Mac gadgets.) Since I started losing weight, I've taken to snapping self-portraits of myself, charting the way my face looks, how it's changed or hasn't changed, trying to figure out what and who I'm seeing there.

At my heaviest, I never looked in the mirror and thought of myself as fat. It was only in photos that I saw that I was carrying more weight than I ever had before, more than I wanted, that my lack of attention to my body and what I was doing with it had resulted in a change I wasn't happy with. I was never bulled about my weight - teased, occasionally, but I was never subject to the sort of torture so many other kids go through for whatever reason. But I always knew I was bigger than most of the people around me, and at some point I accepted that it was a fact of life, that I had no control over my own shape because I had been handed a genetic destiny of heavy bones, big thighs, giant hands. The classic peasant body, I'd joke with my sister. When ox is tired of ploughing, throw over shoulder and carry home to stable.

As I've started to lose weight, I understand that I'll always be larger. Even if I lose the forty or so more pounds that I'd like to lose, even if my fitness comes up to the point I'd like it to, I'll still have big thighs - muscled big thighs, perhaps, but they won't fit into a size 2 pair of jeans any more readily. But for the first time, I feel like I've started to have a say in how I look, that although I have not been able to triumph over my given body type, the efforts I have been putting in have actually started to be written on my body. I have proof that what I have been doing in the gym and the kitchen and the swimming pool is working, which I honestly never really believed would happen. I had written myself off as a failure before I ever attempted to make changes, and that way I could skip the actual attempt and go straight to the part where it didn't work, and oh well, life continues on as usual.

So I continue to take the photos of myself, and stare at them in a sort of bewildered fascination. Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror at the gym, surrounded by twenty-something gazelles in short shorts and tiny tops, and I have to stop myself from comparisons, because I'll never win at that game. And each day, I see if I can take into my own hands a little bit more control over my body, a little bit more agency over the flesh and bones that move me around the world.

Comments

[cata-clysmiic.livejournal.com]

Well said, you. <3 Very well said.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

That's wonderful. There's little to compare with the first time you're fixing your hair in front of a mirror and you do a double-take because suddenly there are biceps you never saw.

But all of this is also why I'm a big fan of performance-based exercise goals (running faster, swimming farther, lifting heavier, whatever) instead of looks- or size-based ones.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

It's true - part of my recent "omg I'm really in better shape" was the swimming I did on Saturday. The last time I went swimming, I managed four laps, and then staggered into the locker room, dizzy, and threw up. On Saturday, I swam for a steady half hour or so, sprinting a few laps, taking a few more slowly, and could have continued on longer if I had had the time.

Also, although it's still hard for me, I'm starting to jog a little bit on the treadmill. I'm up to about a minute of jogging before I have to drop back down into a fast walk, but it's a minute more than I used to be able to do.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've put in a lot of effort and are reaping the rewards. Well done!

I know what you mean about needing to accept one's natural body type, whatever that is. My taller, slimmer, muscley sister provides an admirable lesson to me that even if I could run a marathon I'll never have a flat stomach without starvation. OK, I am culturally brain-washed enough to regret this a bit, but at least I can try to apply the knowledge by ditching pointless stomach crunches in favour of improving my aerobic fitness.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

It's been just under a year of making changes. Slow and steady, just me and the tortoise!

It's true, there's so much around a person that says that you don't just have to be in shape, you have to be thin, flat stomach, small arms, narrow thighs. I'm just going to work hard at loving a big, but toned, self.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

How we see ourselves is never simple.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Totally true. And everybody has to negotiate it for themselves over time.

[(Anonymous)]

You're doing awesome. I've noticed the change in your figure and your face, and your ability to swim 30 min is 25 more than I can reasonably do. You're inspiring me to make better changes in my own life...I had gotten down to a good size a few years ago but started gaining more since going to Asia and getting off some meds. I'm looking for the right gym and need to cut out more sweets. My goal is hopefully manageable: 15-20 pounds, but even 12 for me a few years ago took months and months. So congrats!
Jess

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

If you do it slowly and with small changes, it's so much more manageable. If I had tried to do this like a contestant on the Biggest Loser, I'd be miserable, because I'd be failing.

Thanks, hon!