sienamystic (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sienamystic) wrote2010-12-31 05:23 pm
sienamystic) wrote2010-12-31 05:23 pm
Entry tags:
Fast away the old year passes
Tomorrow is our last full day here - we leave bright and early (way too early) Sunday morning. I have been a welter of confused emotions for most of the visit here - some wonderful moments, some disappointments, some rough patches, some boredom, some laughter, many things better than expected, a couple of things not living up to what was hoped for. My mom has been through all her phases (she moves like the moon). We've seen her happy, generous, smiling, laughing, and we've also seen her pick fights, snap at people, accuse me of attempting to smuggle Christmas ornaments out of the house for my own nefarious purposes, and issue dire ultimatums about laundry.
I've put in a little bit of time scanning some family photos, and staring into the face of my younger self, smiling and unawares, has had me wallowing in a sort of nebulous nostalgia. I think I want to slosh around in my past because it was safe there. I didn't have to worry about much, and I certainly wasn't responsible for anything. And since we're on vacation right now, we've been able to pretend to be that way right now - sleeping in late, not concerning ourselves with anything much except what we'd like to eat for dinner, having time to read and take long showers and talk about nothing much in particular.
It's a little disorienting, because it's sort of like falling back into your old life for a short while, except it's not, really, and you're always aware that you're about to go and leave it again. There have been a lot of moments when I've wondered if the move to Nebraska was the right thing to do. I think, in the end, it was - the list of pros just edges out the list of cons - but not having your support system around you is difficult, especially when there have been struggles of the sort we've been coping with. It seems almost like I've been able to set a heavy bag down for the time we've spent here, and now I'm bracing to pick it back up again. No different from most vacations, but right now that bag seems particularly weighty. I especially miss seeing my sister and friends on a regular basis. And yet when I imagine moving back here, and dealing with all that this area requires you to deal with on a daily basis - I don't think I could do that.
Back to the routine of work and gym and aikido. Back to the cats. Back to freezing temperatures and wind. Back to wrestling with disability paperwork, and organizing student loans. Back to doctor visits. Back to the steady pace of real life, with the hope of making things better day by day, of adding a little more fun here and there, maybe shaking up the routine slightly (although how, I'm...not really sure yet.)
So, high-ho for the new year. I hope it brings good things to all, because I know for many of us the past year has been more full of painful challenges than delights. Hail the New, ye lads and lasses.
I've put in a little bit of time scanning some family photos, and staring into the face of my younger self, smiling and unawares, has had me wallowing in a sort of nebulous nostalgia. I think I want to slosh around in my past because it was safe there. I didn't have to worry about much, and I certainly wasn't responsible for anything. And since we're on vacation right now, we've been able to pretend to be that way right now - sleeping in late, not concerning ourselves with anything much except what we'd like to eat for dinner, having time to read and take long showers and talk about nothing much in particular.
It's a little disorienting, because it's sort of like falling back into your old life for a short while, except it's not, really, and you're always aware that you're about to go and leave it again. There have been a lot of moments when I've wondered if the move to Nebraska was the right thing to do. I think, in the end, it was - the list of pros just edges out the list of cons - but not having your support system around you is difficult, especially when there have been struggles of the sort we've been coping with. It seems almost like I've been able to set a heavy bag down for the time we've spent here, and now I'm bracing to pick it back up again. No different from most vacations, but right now that bag seems particularly weighty. I especially miss seeing my sister and friends on a regular basis. And yet when I imagine moving back here, and dealing with all that this area requires you to deal with on a daily basis - I don't think I could do that.
Back to the routine of work and gym and aikido. Back to the cats. Back to freezing temperatures and wind. Back to wrestling with disability paperwork, and organizing student loans. Back to doctor visits. Back to the steady pace of real life, with the hope of making things better day by day, of adding a little more fun here and there, maybe shaking up the routine slightly (although how, I'm...not really sure yet.)
So, high-ho for the new year. I hope it brings good things to all, because I know for many of us the past year has been more full of painful challenges than delights. Hail the New, ye lads and lasses.